Memories of Mrs Snape
by Resa Aureus
Summary: A story about Severus's life before Lily's death and about a part of his life no one knew about. A tale of regret, loss, and remembering.


A/N. This story idea floated into my head one night when I was feeling particularly melancholy.

Brownie points for whoever can figure out who Pippa's sister is.

…~oOo~…

Memories of Mrs. Snape

Being a portrait left an unbelievably long time to think. This was especially true for one portrait, that of Severus Snape in the Headmaster's Office at Hogwarts. He had no interest in traversing across other paintings and portraits for companionship or sport. Just as it had been during his life, Snape preferred being on his own.

Snape didn't make it a habit of regretting anything. During his life, his only true regret had been Lily Potter's death and his part in causing it. It had been the crux of his existence for years until, ultimately, his pursuit to redeem himself and not let her death be in vain had been what killed him – that and that blasted snake.

It had been enough of a regret that with his last breaths he imparted all of his good memories of the woman he loved to Harry Potter himself. Snape still wasn't sure what had motivated him to do such a foolish thing – now the whole wizarding world thought of him as some tragic hero from a shoddy romance novel – but if he had to bet, it had been those green eyes. And he faintly remembered thinking that it would be a shame for the love and pain he felt for so many years to go to waste.

But in his canvas, Snape only had one real regret left. He figured his soul – if he did have one – had the privilege of seeing Lily again. In his mind, that part of his life had come to as satisfying of an end as he could have asked for. No, Lily was not the regret that lingered in his painted form.

His only regret was that, in the end, there had been no one to give his memories of Pippa.

…~oOo~…

20 November 1977

"What are you staring at?"

Severus Snape jumped nearly a foot in the air. He spun on his heels to sneer at whoever dared interrupt his… well, it wasn't stalking. But he was watching Lily Evans in one of her rare moments away from her good-for-nothing Potter. She was sitting at one of the desks in the library and Severus had the perfect vantage point to watch from behind a shelf after moving an encyclopedia.

Behind him, looking up at him with two rather large, innocent eyes, was a girl. A somewhat familiar-looking girl with a blue and bronze tie. Ah, that was why she was barely recognizable. Ravenclaws mostly kept to themselves and their books and Severus himself did the same. He didn't know the name of a single Ravenclaw.

"Nothing," Severus snapped. "Mind your own business. Now, go away."

She wasn't very tall, but she wasn't very short either. She was shockingly thin, though, like she'd never gone through that stage that all the other girls seemed to where they suddenly became more than twigs and rails. Her blonde hair was curly, shoulder-length, and pushed back from her brown eyes with a blue headband.

She didn't seem at all offended by his abrupt, angry dismissal. She just smiled and said, "It's alright, you know. People watching. I do it myself sometimes. That's how I came upon you, actually. Thought it was weird to find someone else in the library looking about."

"I'm not…_people watching_," he ground out, getting increasingly annoyed by the girl's presence. "I could care less what you and the rest of the idiots in this school do whilst in the library. Now, leave me be."

The girl scrunched her perky little nose a bit. "You know, if you keep talking to people like that, someone might get the impression that you're rude."

Closing his eyes briefly, trying to contain himself, Severus took a deep breath and looked at the girl head-on. "Go. Now."

"I'm Philippa Hopper, by the way," she said, jutting out her hand proudly. "Everyone calls me Pippa, though."

"What makes you think I care who you are or what everyone calls you?" he challenged, his eyes narrowing.

Slowly, she dropped her hand, but her smile never left her face. "Well, I had thought we might become friends." She seemed utterly confident in her assumption. "You're alone watching people in the library, I'm alone watching people in the library…" She shrugged. "Seemed like a good fit to me."

"I don't need, nor do I want, to be friends with an annoying little Ravenclaw Sixth Year," he said with venom.

"I'm Seventh Year, actually," she corrected him. "Same year as you. Well." She hiked her satchel up on her shoulder and shrugged. "I suppose I'll see you around, then. A Hogsmeade weekend is coming up – perhaps we could have a drink at the Three Broomsticks, hmm? I'll be there around noon if you'd care to join me."

And she walked off, humming to herself, completely unfazed by his harshness. Severus blinked, never having been so confused or hacked off in his life. Shaking it off, he looked back through the hole in the shelf to find that Lily had already gone.

He swore to himself, internally cursed Pippa Hopper, and stalked off.

…~oOo~…

13 January 1978

Severus Snape had not joined Pippa at the Three Broomsticks back in November and she hadn't spoken to him since. He had seen her, however. Now that he was been forced into being aware of her existence, she seemed to be everywhere. He couldn't help but see her blonde head in the sea of Ravenclaws in the Great Hall or catch her out of the corner of his eyes while she studied in the library. And when he saw her, she seemed to notice him only a moment later and proceed to wave at him enthusiastically. It was all very annoying to him and the annoyingness of it only got worse.

It only proved to be a bigger hassle when Evan Rosier asked what he was sneering at now one night during supper.

"What do you know about the Hopper family?" Severus asked, evading the question altogether. He was hoping she was a muggle-born. That way he could throw the word "mudblood" in her face and be done with her altogether. Even if he'd sworn to never speak that word again, after it had broken his and Lily's friendship, it would be worth putting a damper on Pippa's stupid grin.

"Ah," Rosier said with a slow nod. "Purebloods. Old pureblood family, actually. Mostly died out now, but I think a few of them are still running around. There's a Hopper in the Dark Lord's ranks now. An Auror, I think. Why do you ask?"

"No reason," Severus said. _Shit_, he thought. The only thing worse than being an annoying Ravenclaw was being an annoying Ravenclaw with Death Eater relatives.

"There's a Hopper in Ravenclaw, I think," Rosier said with a lewd grin. "Pretty thing. Blonde." Rosier had a thing for blondes.

Severus sneered but didn't say anything. The day could only get worse.

And it did. After supper, Severus headed towards the library, keeping an eye out for any Marauders lurking nearby. They liked to emerge from the shadows and launch surprise attacks. Not this evening, though. He was walking along the corridor when he heard a familiar voice exclaim, "Argh! Bloody hell! What the fuck is this for?!" That was definitely James Potter.

"For following me, you freaks!" And that was Pippa Hopper.

"Love, we weren't following you – owwwww!" This was Sirius Black's howl of pain.

"I heard you in the shadows, I'm not stupid." Pippa shot back.

Curious, Severus hurried ahead and made the last turn towards the library. There, hanging from the ceiling by ropes, were all four of the Marauders. Standing below them, wand braced in front of her, was Pippa.

"How come it just so happens you're sneaking along in the dark while I'm all alone on the way to the library, hmm?" Pippa demanded.

"We were going to set up a trap for Snape, that's all!" Peter cried out, squealing when his binds tightened.

Remus Lupin only rolled his eyes, keeping his mouth smartly shut as he swung there alongside his idiot friends.

"Yeah!" Sirius joined in. "That's all! A trip jinx, a bucket of slugs, some confetti – that's it! We were just trying to get here in time to set it up before Snape came around."

Crossing her arms and not backing down, Pippa gave each of them a look. "That isn't very nice, you know."

"Bah!" Sirius said. "Neither is Snape!"

"Maybe you haven't given him the chance to be nice, ever think of that?" Pippa challenged, quirking an eyebrow.

Shaking his head, his eyes wide, James said, "She's barmy. Mad. We're going to die strung up to the ceiling in front of the library because of this tiny lunatic!"

Severus couldn't help the smirk that crawled onto his face at the sight of one girl handing it to the Marauders. He decided it was a good time to make his entrance. He walked along the rest of the corridor to the scene and looked at his tormentors with satisfaction.

"Aw, great!" Sirius spat. "The greasy git is here."

Squinting his eyes, as his glasses were on the floor underneath him, James Potter leaning his head forward as much as possible to see the new arrival. "It is Snape, isn't it?"

"No one will ever rescue us," Peter Pettigrew whinged.

"Not a pleasant view, looking at the world from upside-down, is it, Potter?" Severus said, trying his very hardest not to smile. "Turnabout is fair play, isn't it?"

"Of course they're friends," Remus Lupin muttered to himself. "Of course the crazy blonde and the Slytherin psychopath are friends. Why didn't I see this coming?"

"Actually, this little performance is a pleasant surprise for me as much as it is for you," Severus said, crossing his arms.

"Do you all promise you'll leave Severus alone?" Pippa said firmly. "For the rest of the year. If you promise me that, and if you mean it, I'll let you down."

"Now, now, don't rush to make any deals on my behalf, Hopper," Severus said with a snide smile at the Marauders.

"Piss off, Snape!" Sirius growled.

"Promise!" Pippa insisted.

"I promise!" Remus Lupin was the first to say. The other boys reluctantly followed with their vows and Pippa smiled.

"Good," she said. "I'm glad we can all be friends."

With a flick of her wands, all the ropes disappeared. And the Marauders fell heavily to the ground with loud grunts of pain. James scrambled for his glasses and pushed them onto his face. Rubbing the shoulder that hit the ground first, James glared at both Severus and Pippa before saying, "Come on, mates. I think we're done here." And the boys all walked off, spirits sunk, Peter faster than the others.

"That was…impressive," Severus said begrudgingly once they were gone.

Pippa didn't answer, but for some reason her smile was gone.

"But I don't need you fighting my battles," he added fiercely.

"I wasn't!" she shot back snappishly. "I thought I was fighting my own." She crossed her arms once more, tucked her wand away, and continued towards the library.

Brow furrowed in confusion, Severus slowly followed, waiting for Pippa to continue on. When she did not, he said, "You should be angry with Potter and his monkeys, not _me_."

"Oh, should I?" Pippa said sharply. She paused and looked at him, her eyes wide. "You've ignored me. I smile and wave to you and you just scowl and turn away as quickly as possible. I thought we could be friends, but… well, obviously you don't want that."

"_Why_?" Severus drawled cynically. "Why would you want to be friends?" _With me? _

Pippa looked at her feet a moment before looking up again. "You always seem lonely. And… I'm lonely." She shook her head. "It was stupid, alright? Consider the silly notions of a lonely seventeen-year-old girl dead." She walked right past him.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Severus considered the pros and the cons of going after her and giving in to her plea for companionship. It was obvious she was outgoing, naïve, and optimistic – all traits that he could not stand. On the other hand, she was in Ravenclaw which meant at the very least she was smart, she seemed to be able to stand up for herself, and she handed the Marauders' their arses on a platter.

That last tidbit of information seemed to be enough for him.

He quickened his pace after her and called out, "Hopper! …Pippa!"

…

14 February 1978

It was unreasonably cold out, but Pippa was grinning from ear-to-ear even though her nose was bright red and her lips were turning icy blue. Her blonde hair was covered by a striped cap and she wore a peacoat with two lines of silver buttons. She wore a skirt and wool tights and snow boots. Her mittens were bright pink, as was her scarf.

"Oh, this is brilliant!" she enthused, taking in Hogsmeade like she was a First Year. "There's still snow on the ground! Everything is decorated! I love Valentine's Day," she told Severus, every last one of her chattering teeth showing. Her eyeteeth were a little crooked, but other than that she was very good teeth for an English person.

Severus eyed her skeptically. "The most miserable, useless holiday of the year and you're practically fainting for excitement. I thought you were supposed to be clever."

Pippa gave him a look. "Don't be so sour. Everyone in town is smiling except for you and frankly your scowling is an eyesore."

Rolling his eyes, Severus tucked his hands in the pocket of his old coat and watched as Pippa hopped from store window to store window, practically squealing at all the heart-shaped baubles. He followed at a safe distance behind her, really only there because he would never hear the end of it otherwise, and kept his eyes on his feet.

Until he saw the red hair through the window of Madam Puddifoot's. He stopped in his tread and frowned at the display. Lily and James Potter, both laughing and drinking tea, holding hands on the top of the table, her smile glowing the brightest. Severus felt the jealous swell up from his stomach to his chest. He felt it slowly consuming him until…

"Bookstore!" Pippa said popping up directly in his line of vision. "We should go to the bookstore! They might have a text I need on unicorns." She smiled and then made her way towards the bookstore.

Severus watched the girl walk away. And after a moment of reflection, he followed after.

…

24 December 1978

"Happy Christmas!" he heard her call into the house from the door.

With a sigh, Severus took the moment to sort out his head, knowing that she was going to drop in on that night. He looked in the drawer of his desk, took out the little box, and tucked it into his pocket. He told himself that this was unavoidable, that a pact between Death Eaters was law. And, as a loyal follower, he should have been grateful for the opportunity to please his lord and all of his fellow followers.

If he was being honest, though, he never wanted to run so badly.

Pippa poked her head in the sitting room of the tiny flat and smiled when she found Severus at his desk. "Hullo!" she exclaimed. Her hair was windblown and her cheeks pink. She was wrapped up in her pink scarf and mittens combination and she was juggling two large brown bags. He stood to help, but she said, "No, no, you just relax. I'll go start supper."

Slowly, Severus sat back down, knowing better than to argue with the girl. Once she was in the kitchen, humming Christmas carols, Severus sighed to himself once more. She was a good friend, better than he deserved, but what the Dark Lord was asking…

He shook his head and stood to join her in the kitchen. She was rubbing brushing the ham over with a thick, syrupy glaze when he walked in. Her hair was pulled back into a short nub of a ponytail, her bangs clipped back. She wore a white apron and she looked…utterly domestic.

"Where is your family this fine Christmas Eve?" he inquired sarcastically, though he already knew.

"At the Malfoys'," she said. "They were invited to their annual Christmas ball."

Severus knew this. All senior Death Eaters were. He was low on the totem pole, not yet accepted into the inner circle. Pippa's father, though, had been part of the ranks for years.

"Hmm," Severus murmured noncommittally. "So you thought you'd spend the evening harassing me?"

"Why, of course," she said tauntingly. "There's nothing I love more than getting under your skin. But if you're going to say no to a warm home-cooked meal –"

"I never said anything of the sort," he cut in, perhaps too hastily.

She smirked up at him and returned to her glazing. She was silent for a few moments before looking up at him again and saying, "If you're just going to hover like that, the least you can do is scrub and peel the potatoes."

"I actually…" He cleared his throat. "I have something I'd like to talk to you about."

"You can peel and talk at the same time, can't you?" she said, quirking a brow at him. "I've seen you filet a person with words whilst brewing a perfect Living Death – I think you'll survive the potatoes."

Severus made a sound of annoyance. He really didn't want to peel the potatoes. He stood beside her, dug into his pocket, and plopped the little box down next to where she was glazing the ham. He didn't say anything, just pushed it towards her with his long pointer finger. It took a second, but she put down the brush and stared at the box for a long time.

Not looking pleased in the least, she picked up the box, held it out questioningly and demanded, "What is this?"

"It's a box," Severus answered evasively.

"And what will I find inside the box, Severus?" she asked tartly. Not even the hint at a smile. She was honestly angry.

"I suppose you'll have to open it," he said through clenched teeth, "_Philippa._"

Her lips pursed with a wrinkle between her brows, Pippa popped it open and immediately shut it, slamming it down on the countertop between them. "We've never been like that," Pippa said forcibly. "You're my friend."

"Friends can't marry?" 

She glared at him. "You've been speaking to my father," she said accusingly. "I should have known when he started hinting at a husband… UGH. Of course you're one of them! Of course he'd go to his Death Eater buddies to marry me off and keep me in line." She tore at the strings of her apron, throwing it off her head and onto the table. She leaned forward on the counter, braced on her hands, feeling a headache coming on.

"You care about me, don't you?" Severus inquired matter-of-factly.

"I do, but as –"

"_Not_ as friends," he snapped. "I'm not stupid, Pippa. You care for me. Deeper than this friendship rouse where you have a key to my flat and we spend each day together. This has always been a courtship."

"No, it hasn't," she hissed. "It wasn't a bloody courtship until you joined those bloody terrorists and started talking to my father to keep his lunatic liberal daughter under control."

"Does it make a difference?" he growled. "For whatever insane, deluded reason, you love me. You should be happy, shouldn't you?"

"Fine," she spat. "I may love you – but you don't love me! It's not supposed to be like this! We should both be happy about getting married, but it's obvious you're just doing your duty and babysitting Hopper's youngest. Especially now that my big sister's run off with that 'blood traitor' Lovegood, Dad thinks I'll fly the coup too."

"I am not a babysitter," he snarled. "And how do you know how I feel or what I think? Don't presume to know all the goings on of my mind."

"Well, you're not happy," she insisted. "You plopped down the ring in front of me, not a word, not even waiting until after dinner. You obviously just wanted to get it done with. If marrying me is such a chore, then you can take your blasted ring to some other Death Eater's daughter, maybe one not clever enough to recognize when she's being sold like property."

He slammed his fist on the countertop, making her jump. "You are not property, nor have I ever treated you as such," Severus snarled. "I know you, I respect you, I care about what you have to say. Now, your father is going to keep shopping for suitors until he finds one that can get the job done. So, it's either Evan Rosier, Pettigrew, Rabastan Lestrange, or me – and that's before he starts looking at the older men in the ranks. What is your choice?"

"I could say no to all of you," Pippa said shortly. "I could run far away where you and my father could never find me."

"But you won't," Severus said knowingly, plucking up the box and flipping it open. He seized her left hand and slipped the ring onto the right finger. She didn't resist. "You'll marry me because it's the right thing to do."

When he released her hand, she looked at the ring without an ounce of her usual enthusiasm. She scoffed. "When I was a little girl…I always imagined this differently."

"I can only apologize," he said stiffly.

"You weren't wrong, Severus," she told him solemnly. "I do love you. Deeply. But I also know you'll never love me."

Severus said nothing. She wasn't wrong. He'd given his heart away a long time ago. He had no love left to give.

…

2 May 1979

The bride was lovely, everyone said. Severus supposed he agreed. At the very least, she wasn't in one of those horrifically huge taffeta wedding gowns with too many ruffles. No, she'd gone for the more traditional, antique dress. The simple ivory dress, a modest v-neck, short sleeves, and lace overlay. The veil was lace and had little stone sewn into it, so that when the light hit, it sparkled.

The ceremony went smoothly and the reception was very stiff and formal. The whole time, Pippa was curiously quiet. She spoke when required and did her fair share of smiling, but overall… she wasn't doing her usual chattering.

Sitting at their personal table during the meal, Severus said to her, "How are you enjoying your wedding day?"

"It's nice," Pippa answered, looking around at the Malfoy ballroom. The Malfoys had been generous enough to host the wedding. Neither Severus or Pippa came from money. The Hoppers were an old pureblood family but had lost most of their fortune after Grindelwald's war. And the Prince side of Severus's family wanted nothing to do with him after his mother married a Muggle.

"I would have liked to have it outdoors," she added. "It's such a pretty day out."

"Narcissa would have had a stroke at the mere suggestion," Severus said.

"Good," Pippa said with a little curve of her mouth.

"Keep your voice down when you insult our gracious hostess," Severus said, though the amusement was plain in his tone.

Pippa rolled her eyes, but grinned. She went back to picking at her food.

Severus couldn't help but notice the change in Pippa's attitude in the last year, even before their engagement. She'd mellowed significantly, that quirkiness of hers less prominent. Part of him was grateful, and the other…

Well, the other part of him kind of missed that overly toothy grin.

…

She was lovely. Severus decided she was lovely when he had the privilege to unbutton the little pearls down the back of her wedding dress. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the smooth expanse of her back or how soft she was to the touch. He ran his knuckles over the dents and planes of her back and heard her swallow hard. He pressed a kiss to the nape of her neck and felt her tremble.

"Are you alright?" she whispered into her ear.

"Yes," she answered.

"I promise I'll be gentle," he vowed, resting his forehead against her hair.

"I trust you, Severus," Pippa told him as she slipped the dress off her shoulders and let it pool at her feet.

Closing his eyes, Severus tucked his face into her neck and wrapped his arms around her slender stomach. How different his life had become. Five years ago, if you told Severus Snape that he'd be a Death Eater and married to Pippa Hopper from Ravenclaw, he'd have scoffed in your face. But there he was, the Mark on his forearm plain as day since he'd pushed up his sleeves, and the Hopper girl in his arms on their wedding night. Not Hopper, anymore, no. Philippa Snape now.

She turned around in his arms, cradled her face in her hands, forcing him to look her in the eyes before she kissed him. Merlin, she was soft, almost unbelievably so. Her fingertips, her mouth, her skin – all of it, like velvet.

When Severus Snape looked back on this night, he never knew what to feel. It had been an awkward shuffle somewhere towards the middle before becoming one of his nicest fondest memories. It had been both of their first times and it would become one of his only good memories post-Lily, but pre-Lily's Death.

In many ways, it was his _last_ good memory.

…

2 May 1980

She'd been in the bathroom for a long time. Every month since they got married, one morning she'd be in the bathroom for hours. At first, she still kept that smile on her face, said, "No big deal!" and moved on. But after a few months had passed, she grew disgruntled.

It had been an entire year now.

Severus was concerned but knew the only thing he could do was give her space. But even he knew was today was. It was the official one year mark since their wedding night where she'd made it clear she wanted children – and soon. Immediately, actually. In the end, he'd decided it was all he could give her.

He knocked tentatively on the bathroom door. "Pippa…?"

There was a long pause before he heard the clicking of the lock. "Come in," she said.

When he opened the door, he found her sitting on the lid of the toilet, still wearing her pink sleep shorts and camisole. Her hair was a mess and she was cradling her head in her hands. Seeing his wife like this wasn't pleasant for Severus. The house was always warmer when she was smiling.

He kneeled down in front of her, the cold tile unforgiving on his knees. He didn't say anything or touch her. He just waited and sat there.

"All those fertility potions," she whispered hoarsely. "All those stupid old wives' tales. All that sticking my legs up in the air. How is it…none of it worked?" She looked up at him slowly with wide, miserable eyes. "What's wrong with me?"

"It might not be you –"

"We've done the tests on you!" she groaned. "You're fine! Tip-top shape! Everyone said, 'Oh, you're young and fertile! You'll be popping out babies in no time!' But they were wrong! I'm not fertile!"

"You don't know that for sure," Severus said, though the scientist inside of him knew the truth.

She gave him a blunt look. "I think we both know." She squeezed her eyes shut. "All I wanted… all I've ever wanted… was a baby. Is that so much? Is that so hard a thing to ask of the Fates? Is it so hard to allow me the one thing that every other woman – including Lily Fucking Potter – can do! Except for me, apparently!"

Severus winced infinitesimally. "She has nothing to do with this," he said coldly.

Pippa barked out a laugh. "Doesn't it? She has everything to do with everything it seems! My husband can't love me because the stupid bint broke his heart. I go to the Healers to find out if I can ever be a mother and she's there in the waiting room with her idiot husband, big as a fucking house and deliriously happy. I have to put up with her small talk and smiles like she gives a damn – has the nerve to actually ask about you –"

Severus was lost in her rant and shook his head. "Wait, wait. You went to the Healers?"

"Yes! Last week!" Pippa snapped, unhappy with being interrupted.

"And you didn't tell me?"

"Of course I didn't," Pippa said, wiping at the tears that had been welling up in her eyes. "You don't care. It's not as if you'd have wanted to come along." Then she looked up, sad realization dawning on her face. "Don't fool yourself into thinking you would have wanted to come with me. You wouldn't have seen Lily even if I'd told you about my appointment." She shook her head. "Have you no shame? Your wife is crying in front of you because she's barren and you still can't think of anything but a chance to see your precious Lily?"

She shot up off the toilet seat and marched out of the bathroom, but her voice could still be heard. He got up off the ground and followed her. "What is it, Severus? What is it that she has that me – and everyone else in the world – doesn't have? Why is she so deserving of Severus Snape's attention and affection while the rest of us are out here in the cold, waiting patiently for a _bread crumb_?!

"Is it the red hair? Hmm?" she demanded desperately, the tears rolling over her cheeks in waves now. She yanked at her shoulder-length blonde hair in frustration. "I'd dye it for you if I thought it'd make a difference! Or is it those pretty green eyes? Her perfect skin, her perfect nose her perfect mouth? Her breasts, her body, her brains? _What is it, Severus, that makes her deserving of your love when all she ever did was abandon you?_"

Pippa sobbed. She stood there in the middle of their sitting room, her knees body shaking and knees buckling, face in her hands.

"And all at the same time," she whimpered, "I can't hate her. I can't. Because I love you, and so much of the you I love is made of your love for _her_."

For a minute, Severus felt guilty. Fierce guilt. But he couldn't find it in him to console her. He just watched her cry before walking over and brushing the sticky wet curls off her forehead and cheeks. She looked up at him, her cheeks flushed and her eyes red.

"Do you want to adopt?" he asked somberly.

"We don't have the money for that."

This was true. "What do you want me to do?" he asked instead. "I'll do whatever you ask."

The fight left her eyes then and he watched as she sank deeper into her depression. Pippa shook her head and said, "You've done everything you can." Rubbing at her eyes, she whispered, "I think I'll go lie down."

…

2 June 1981

It was all because she loved so fiercely. Not only her parents, whom she didn't agree with but still cared about, and not only her husband or her sister or her lovely little niece. She had a universal love for everyone she met, a faith in people that wouldn't die out, and a weakness for those in need.

So when a werewolf was being sentenced to death, and even though she was a lowly secretary in the Ministry, she spoke out. Her heart made all of her decisions for her and this was something she swore she'd never regret. And she didn't regret it, even when it proved to be the death of her.

Word got to the Dark Lord fairly quickly that Snape's wife was causing a ruckus in the Ministry over a half-breed. She was preaching about not only werewolf rights, but equal rights for every witch and wizard regardless of race, species, and blood status. When Hopper heard about his daughter putting on such a public display, he knew what would happen. He left work early that day to make the funeral arrangements.

Severus Snape, who was finishing his apprenticeship at an apothecary, had not heard about spectacle his wife made. At least, not right away. So when the Dark Lord Summoned him to ask to bring Pippa to the next meeting, he thought it strange, but did not anticipate the true nature of the summons.

Her twenty-first birthday just passed and she still looked the same as she did when he met her. Her hair was a few inches past her shoulders and she was trying out a fringe, but everything else about her was utterly the same…except her eyes. They were still brown, but just…not as happy. Maybe not as careless. Older.

"Do I look…presentable?" she asked, standing before him in a baby blue sundress. She wore tiny pearl earrings – his two year anniversary gift to her.

"You do," he confirmed, waiting for that tell-tale burn in his arm.

"What do you think he wants from me?" Pippa asked.

"I am not sure," Severus admitted. "But you are to bow, speak only when spoken to, and give him and everyone in the room your upmost respect."

"I know, Severus," Pippa said with a nod and a small smile. "My father raised me."

Something struck Severus just then. It was fear. He normally shut down every thought in his head before going to see the Dark Lord. But now… now he found he couldn't do that just yet. Reaching out tentatively, Severus brushed the back of his hand down her lightly freckled cheek.

Severus Snape knew this woman. He knew where each and every one of her freckles hid and knew exactly how she'd react to almost everything. He knew that she deplored Jane Austen, but didn't mind Charlotte Bronte. He knew that she liked adventure novels best and her dream was to go on a real adventure of her own. Her heart was too big, he saw that every day, and she would work herself to exhaustion to make others happy.

He knew her. She was the first person he had a deep, complex understanding of. Even Lily…well, he'd never imagined Lily would never forgive him – he hadn't known her so well, after all. But Pippa… Pippa, he understood.

Brave, lovely, clever Pippa.

His Mark began to burn.

"Are you ready?" he asked.

She nodded, one tear running over her cheek. "Yes."

And to the day he died, Severus wondered if she'd known her fate even then.

…

The room had fallen silent.

She certainly looked dead. But Severus knew the truth. A curse he'd manufactured specifically for the Dark Lord… a curse called Slow Death… She wasn't dead yet, though she was wishing she was.

On Voldemort's orders, Severus stepped forward, the first movement he'd made in a while. He tried not to run to her. It felt like forever before he was stooped beside her unmoving body. He pressed two fingers to her pulse. It was faint and slowing every second. He held her small left hand in his, conspicuously running his thumb over the back of it. She was icy cold.

"She is dead, my lord," Severus announced confidently.

"Take her to your home and put the Mark over your house," Voldemort ordered, his voice gravelly. "Make it look like a suicide. Tell the Aurors you found her too late."

"Yes, my lord," Severus said stiffly, reaching down to lift what was left of Pippa up into his arms. She was as light as a feather, but growing heavier as the life left her. The blood blackened her blonde hair and a deep slice marred her heart-shaped mouth.

With his dismissal, he left.

Once in his flat, Severus flew into emergency mode. He set her on the sofa and hunted down every available potion in the house. He poured them down her throat, massaging her neck to force it down. He felt her pulse. It was still weak, but…

Pippa sputtered as she woke, gasping. Her breaths rattled.

"Pippa," he breathed, propping her up in his lap on the sofa.

"Severus," she whispered, but it was so weak and cracked, he had to lean forward. "I'm… I'm dying…" The fear in her eyes tore at Severus. Her breaths and body shuddered as she panicked in her struggle to breathe and move. The tears came quickly.

"No," Severus said firmly, his hands shaking. "I just have to find you the right potion – brew something –"

"No," she hissed, her hand closing around his with the remnants of energy left in her. "No, don't…leave me…please."

Fighting back the pain in his throat, Severus pushed her hair out of her sticky face. The blood and tears made her skin glisten.

"I'm sorry," Pippa whispered, it coming out as a sob or cough. She was forcing herself to speak and it wasn't easy. "For…for everything. For…for… not being her…"

"Shh," he murmured, clenching jaw as he felt the pain take his body. "You have nothing to apologize for. _I'm_ sorry." _God, I am so sorry_.

"I thought… a baby…part me and you…would be like… you…loving me…a piece of me, at least…" She choked on her own voice and her eye dulled. "I… love you, Severus Snape…. Think of me?"

"I'll think of you every day, Philippa Snape," he told her thickly, brushing his fingers over her torn mouth. "Lovely Pippa."

She found it in her to give him one last smile before the life left her big brown eyes completely. Clutching her to his chest, Severus broke. He buried his face into her blood-matted blonde curls and sobbed over the body of his dead wife.

…~oOo~…

In the matter of four months, Severus held the bodies of the only two women who meant anything to him in his life. One who he'd given his heart and the other who'd given him hers. One who he loved and one who loved him. One who never returned his feelings and one whose feelings were never returned. The irony of all ironies.

So in his portrait, Severus Snape did regret there was no one to give his memories of Pippa too. He also regretted never having a portrait made of her. It had been impossible in his life to look at a picture of his late wife without wishing the memory of her would disappear. It was selfish, but when Auror Hopper died, as well as her sister Elsa, Severus was relieved to see the last reminders of Pippa's time on Earth slowly fade away with time.

Now there was no one and nothing left to have a portrait made of Philippa Snape. Another fierce regret.

Because life on canvas would not have been so dull as long as that smile had been immortalized alongside him. She'd have pestered him endlessly, popping into his frame unannounced, dragging him along on whatever adventures she could have within the paintings of Hogwarts.

He only had to hope his soul had found her on the other side.

But in his portrait, Severus Snape could only wonder.

Wonder and think.

…~oOo~…

~ So Long And Thanks For All The Fish ~


End file.
